I was watching "VH1: I love the 80's: 1980" this past weekend. I actually think it is the third edition of: "I love the 80's".
The 70's and 90's only have one edition each. I guess the 80's was just a kickass decade.
One of the subjects the C-list celebrites reminisced about was the movie "The Elephant Man," which came out in 1980. This was a biopic about John Merrick. I'm sure you've heard about him. He lived in the late 1800's and was grotesquely overgrown on his right side (the circumference of his head was three feet).
I googled him and learned that he had to sleep sitting up or else he would suffocate because his head was so huge. He died at 27 when he accidentally fell asleep lying down. I knew he died young but I thought it was a direct, rather than indirect, result of his disease.
That got me thinking about the world's tallest man, Robert Wadlow (he was 8'11", I bet he could dunk), because he also died young. He was 22.
(Yes, I knew what his name was, I knew exactly how tall he was, and I knew that he died at 22. Unfortunately no one has ever asked me the following series of questions: "Hey, do you know the name of the world's tallest man? How tall is he? Is he still alive? How old was he when he died?")
So I googled him. I also thought he died as direct result of his condition, but it turns out he died of an infection in his foot. It wasn't caught in time because he couldn't really feel his feet because he was so huge. His feet were size thirty-seven. Thirty-fucking-seven. I wonder how big his dick was. His shoes had to be custom-made. So did his clothes. Obviously.
That got me thinking about the Guinness Book of World Records. I think it's been a good 15 years since I looked at one of those. Remember how in elementary school every year there was a book fair and everyone would always get the Guinness Book of World Records? I'm pretty sure the 1988 and 1989 editions are lying around my parents' house somewhere. I don't think anyone has ever read anything in that book. Everyone just flips to the pictures of the fat people and the guy with the long, curly fingernails.
I think the image that is most ingrained in my mind (and everyone else's) from that book is the fat twins on the motorcycles. Their names are Benny and Billy McCrary, although they are best known as "the fat twins on the motorcycles."
The picture is pretty famous and shows them laughing it up, wearing cowboy hats, and, um, riding motorcycles. Together they weighed over 1,500 pounds. This led me to ask, who the hell built those motorcycles? So I googled it.Damn, those are some nice looking pants.
Honda built the motorcycles.
The McCrarys were doing a promotional tour for Honda where they rode the motorcycles across the country, riding 100 miles each day for 30 days. Honda must make some ultra-durable motorcycles. I know if I ever want a motorcycle I'm going to look for the Honda fatass edition.
They weighed in at 814(Benny) and 784(Billy) pounds. Those are their official weights. You would think at that point their official weights would be "about 800." Nope. They weighed exactly 814 and 784. I don't know, they look pretty identical in weight to me. I wonder where Benny hides it. He doesn't look a shade over 800. I wonder if he's jealous of Billy.
Do you think Benny ever asked Billy if he could borrow some clothes and was met with: "Fuck no. I don't need your fat ass stretching out my pants." ?
Here is a picture of them raping some poor fellow:
Actually they were wrestling him in a controlled environment. They were professional wrestlers. I bet you didn't know that. Thanks to Google, now you do.
Although they both died a long time ago, they still hold the record for World's Fattest Twins. I bet they are plugging along in heaven on those Honda motorcycles.
So then I googled Guinness Book of World Records. The first edition was published in 1955. The managing director of the Guinness brewery, Hugh Beaver, got into an argument with his hunting buddies about the fastest species of gamebird. They couldn't settle the argument using existing reference books so Beaver commissioned the Guinness book.
You also might like to know that the longest fingernails on record are over 20 feet long, and the dude is still growing them. It's the same guy from when I was 10. His left hand is permanently disfigured from supporting the weight of the fingernails and he has nerve damage. Hey, that's the price of being able to say: "I have the longest fingernails in the world."
Yes, these are the things I think about, and yes, I typically google my thoughts.
Speaking of Google, when I started this blog way back in 2005, I never imagined someone would end up here by googling "dudes in showers." As of this writing, I am the internet's number two source for "dudes in showers." I hope the googler in question wasn't disappointed, but he probably was, seeing as his visit time was "0 seconds."
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if before I'm done here someone finds this by googling "hot sticky rimjobs."
I drive a Dodge Stratus.