Phil Gordon is retarded.

For those of you who might be offended by the title of this post, by retarded I mean "stupid."

Phil Gordon is the host of Bravo Celebrity Poker Challenge Wars. He has written more than one book about poker (or has his name listed as the author on more than one book about poker, which does not necessarily mean he wrote them). He came in fourth in the 2001 WSOP. He won the 2004 Bay 101 Shooting Star in San Jose. Overall he has about $1.5 million in tournament winnings (I don't know what his tournament expenses were). So it might be safe to say he knows something about poker.

Then I came across this article on espn.com, where he contrasts no-limit vs. limit hold 'em. First of all, you can't even begin to list the differences in one stupid article, but he tries. What I couldn't believe was his "limit hold'em mind-set." He says his primary goal while playing limit hold 'em is to "put as few chips into the pot as possible when I have a losing hand." That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Actually, it's not, but it's pretty dumb. Sure, it's a good idea to put as few chips as possible into the pot with a losing hand, and usually that means folding at some point, but it shouldn't be your primary goal.

He goes on to say that "very rarely can you make any sizable mistake before the river card is dealt in limit poker." Um, okay, sure, but little errors add up to a lot over time, and that's what limit hold 'em is all about - the long, long, long, long term. You won't lose much by cold-calling a preflop raise with A-5 off in a limit game in any given hand, but do that all the time and you'll go broke. The summation of all these "little" errors adds up to a ton of money in the long run, but according to Phil, you shouldn't be worried about this. Okay Phil, so why don't you eat an entire pizza for breakfast tomorrow. You won't gain any weight, and it sure tasted good, didn't it? So therefore you should make a daily habit of this, because it's only a "little" error and therefore there is no way you can get morbidly obese from this.

Finally, he claims that the biggest mistake you can make in limit hold 'em is calling with the worst hand on the river. "Saving that last big bet when you have the worst hand is crucial for the win rate," he says. Um, Phil, from what you suggest, I should fold every time on the river when I might have the worst hand. Seeing as I don't have x-ray vision and can't see through my opponents cards, there is no way I can know with 100% certainty that I have the best hand unless I have the nuts. Judging whether or not I have the best hand I have to take into account many factors. Therefore, I believe I should call any time I think I have a chance to win. Calling on the river and being wrong costs me one bet. Folding on the river and being wrong costs me the entire pot.

The single biggest mistake you can make in limit hold 'em is throwing away a winning hand on the river. But, according to Phil Gordon, it's calling a bet on the river with a losing hand. If you're winning a high percentage of your showdowns, you're throwing away a lot of winners.

Phil Gordon needs to stick to no-limit, and shut the hell up about limit. I can't believe ESPN pays him for that shit.