Demetrius.

On Friday the Bricks had the good fortune of viewing the comedic stylings of Demetri Martin. It was quite the joyous occasion.

It began with a good ol' fashioned turnstile hoppin'. You see, the entrance to the train stop near our house is pretty small, with only two turnstiles and a little booth where the attendant sits. It is not uncommon for the attendant to be absent. That's a green light for a free ride. Ms. Brick and I are such badasses. She's more of a badass than I am, I'm ashamed to admit. The first time this happened, she hopped it and I paid.

Her: "You dumbass, you should have just hopped it."
Me: "I like to obey the rules."

Now I steal train rides at every opportunity.

One time the attendant was there, and I didn't have any money on my card. Ms. Brick had enough for one ride on her card. When I went stick my card in the card machine to add money to it, it went like this:

Attendant guy: "Where you going? You transferring?"
Me: "South. No."
Attendant guy: "Just give me $1 a piece."
Me: "Okay."

So I handed the guy two bills, and he let us bypass the turnstiles. Super. 50% off for us, $2 in attendant dude's pocket, and no money to the city. I would be careful if I was attendant dude, because if he offers the 50% off deal to the wrong person they will tell on him.

We rode the train on down to the Oceanfront Theatre, which is a little 300-seat auditorium in the homo district. We got in line waiting to get in. You would think that for a 10PM show the doors would open some time before 10PM. Nope.

They finally opened the doors and Ms. Brick grabbed us some seats while I got us something to drink. I was pleasantly surprised to find the bar offered Mike's Hard Lemonade. In addition to Woodchuck and white russians, I love the Mike's. I was unpleasantly surprised to find that they were selling it for 300% more than the grocery store does. Also, if a bottle costs $5, and I order two bottles, and the total comes to $10, and I pay with a $20 bill, and you give me a $10 bill as change, that reduces your chance of getting a tip by about 100%.

The show was friggin' hilarious. Leo Allen of the comedy duo Slovin and Allen opened the show, much to my delight. That was a nice surprise.

I had never seen Demetri Martin before, but I heard he was funny. I saw he was playing, and the tickets were reasonable, so I took the Ms. and told her not to be mad if it sucked. I always feel bad if I take someone to a comedy show and it sucks. 1.5 years ago I told Baldo to come down for this great show. We all spent $40 a piece for tickets to see Stephen Lynch and Mitch Hedberg. I assured Baldo that these guys were comedic geniuses. The show positively sucked donkey balls. I felt bad.

Fortunately, that was not the case here. No donkey balls were sucked at this show.

I didn't know this before but it was a CD recording. He did five shows over the weekend and I guess they either pick the best one or chop them all up and make a CD out of the best bits. If they choose the best show it sure as hell won't be the one I saw. Not because it wasn't funny, but because Demetri had to keep stopping the show to tell two people up front to shut the hell up.

It was interesting, because they weren't heckling or anything. I couldn't even hear them. They were right in the front row just having a conversation with each other. I guess Demetri could hear them loud and clear and they were distracting him:

Demetri: "Hey, you came to a show to talk to each other? That's cool, but hey, we're recording a CD, so can you please keep it down?"

Demetri: "Hey, I'm not trying to be dick but there's a microphone right over your head, and you're distracting me, so I would appreciate it if you kept it down."

Demetri: "Dude, seriously, I usually don't do this, but we're recording a CD, and you're talking on my CD. I can kick you out if I want. I won't, though, because I'm cool."

Demetri: "Get the fuck out."

And the people just sat there and Demetri said: "Seriously, get out. You can have your money back, just get out." And he walked away from the mic. There was a general feeling around the audience of : "Oh shit, he's pissed!" Then a person walked down and escorted them out. That was pretty cool.

He warned them about four times and they wouldn't shut up. They paid for tickets, stood in line to get in, got really good seats, and chose to talk to each other. They must really like talking to each other.

If it was a DVD recording, his exchanges with the talkers would probably have been part of the "special features." Unfortunately, CDs don't usually have special features.

The show was really funny, though. I'm glad I went.

The following joke caused Ms. Brick to actually slap my knee. Seriously. She slapped my knee:

"Earrings are just like sneezes. Two is okay, but ten is fucking annoying."