Gay cowboys eating pudding.

So Ms. Brick calls me at work the other day...

(ring, ring)

(click)

Me: "WHAT?"
Her: "Wanna see a movie tonight?"
Me: "Yeah, let's see the gay cowboy movie."

**WARNING, possible spoilers.**

Let me tell you, this was a beautifully acted, directed, and filmed cinematic masterpiece. Also, when two gay guys that don't think they're gay get together, and the moment is right, they just cut right to the butt sex. They don't fuck around. Actually, that's precisely what they do. They don't fuck around when it comes to fucking around.

No talking, no kissing, no romance. I think they have a two-step manual:

1. Drop pants.
2. Insert.

Jake just rolled over and Heath went from flaccid to erect to insertion in 2.37 seconds. I timed it. It was kind of like the prison rape scene in America History X, except it took place in a tent. And they were cowboys instead of neo-Nazi skinheads. And also the neo-Nazi skinheads didn't become lovers.

That was the one scene I just didn't get. They were just lying there in the tent, and all of a sudden...POW! Jake didn't even lube up. There was no time. He would have had to do it the night before. There is no way a butthole can just take a cock without some preparation. And in this case the only possible methods of preparation were:

1. Jake pre-lubing the night before.
2. Jake progressively sticking larger and larger objects into his butt over a period of time, thus stretching out his asshole to be more able to effortlessly accept a large cock (and while you don't see it, judging from his manly hotness, Heath Ledger has to have a giant cock). This would include (but is not limited to) fingers and penises/dildos of progressing sizes.
3. Both.

This could only happen between two men. If it was a cowboy and cowgirl, then there would definitely have to be some backrubbing/neck-kissing initiated by the man prior to butt-insertion. Also, the cowgirl would have to be really slutty. With two men, it's a given that they are both sluts. It's a well-known fact that every single human male is a slut. That's why it's really easy for gay men to get ass. I just didn't know how easy.

That wasn't even the most disturbing scene.

Let me rate the following scenes in order of disturbance:

4. Heath mounting Jake.

3. Heath and Jake making out with each other after not seeing each other for four years and then Heath's wife accidentally seeing them.

2. Heath and Jake frolicking shirtless in a meadow.

1. Heath and Jake eating pudding.

Okay, so they didn't eat pudding. I was severely disappointed. I think director Ang Lee should have just put a scene in there with them eating pudding to appease us South Park fans. Like they could have done it like this:

Heath: "Man, I'm sick of eating beans."
Jake: "Well, I've got these Hunt's® Snack Packs®."
Heath: "Oh, hell yeah! Crack open those Hunt's® Snack Packs®!"

And then some comedy might ensue where they can't find a spoon, and you know what that means! They have to just dump the pudding directly into each others' mouths and they make a big mess. Ang Lee could have turned the pudding-eating scene into a light-hearted musical montage where Heath and Jake get into a pudding fight and proceed to frolic in the meadow.

I mean, how else can you eat a Snack Pack if you don't have a spoon?



That's all they had to do to make the movie 27 times better. And it was pretty damn good, anyway.

The performances were brilliant, especially Heath Ledger's. You felt as though you could feel the pain of the characters, and the difficulties of being homosexuals in small, conservative, rural America in the 60s and 70s. Having to succumb to the societal pressures of getting married/starting a family while fulfilling their wants and desires must have truly sucked ass.

I kept thinking Jake and Heath were being selfish pricks by getting married to non-homosexual women and having kids, and then repeatedly cheating on their wives with each other, but what the hell were they supposed to do? Move to Manhattan, open a trendy boutique and sip cosmos with their girlfriends?

Ms. Brick (along with the rest of the theater) was bawling like a little girl at the end. I was in the extreme minority of non-cryers. I must have ice-veins. I don't cry in movies. I went to see "Joy Luck Club" with my mom and sister when I was 15 and was the only male, and the only non-cryer in the audience. Someday I may share with you the story of the only time I cried during a movie.

To sum up: I highly recommend "Brokeback Mountain" starring Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger. It was a heart-wrenching tale of two men, torn between what they wanted and what society told them they were supposed to want.

Pros: Brilliant acting, excellent directing, beautiful story-telling.
Cons: Random sex that ranked quite high on the WTF? scale, and a complete lack of pudding consumption.



Oh yeah, they weren't cowboys. They were shepherds. I don't know why everyone (including myself) refers to this as "the gay cowboy movie" when it is clearly a gay shepherd movie.