Fantasy football.

I apologize in advance for this boring content that will only be of interest to me, Scott, and Scott's brother.

I won my fantasy football game in our league semi-finals by half a point on Sunday. Of course, I shouldn't count my chickens yet because stat updates on Yahoo Fantasy Sports have been known to go in as late as Thursday. Two years ago Scott thought he had lost a game and then a stat correction went through mid-week and he was awarded a late victory.

I saw that I had won on Monday morning and felt the sweet taste of victory and revenge. The game was against Scott's brother, Slim. Slim always seems to get just what he needs to beat me. A couple years ago I had a solid lead on him going into a Monday night game. I didn't have any players left and he had one: a no-name tight end on the Bears. He would have needed 100 yards and a touchdown to win, pretty damn unlikely. He had two touchdowns and Slim beat me by about 3 points. This year in our regular season Slim got a late touchdown from Anquan Boldin to beat me by 2 or 3 points.

This time around, I thought I had him annhilated with my one-two punch of Matt Hasselbeck and Shaun Alexander. I had about an 80 point lead going into the late game on Sunday and all of my players were finished playing. Slim had three Bengals left:

C. Palmer at QB:


T. Houshmanzeadcquclakah at WR:


and Rudi J. at RB:

God, those uniforms are gay. Do you think a couple years ago, Bengals execs had a meeting: "People, our uniforms, they're just not gay enough. We need more tiger stripes and ugly contrasting colors. I want five ideas on my desk by 5PM. FIVE BY FIVE, I SAY!"

And what you see above was the end result. Also, Rudi's pose just enhances the gayness.

Even if Slim got above average performances from all three, he still would have lost.

C. Palmer then proceeded to throw for 274 and 3 touchdowns, Rudi J. went for 100+ and 2 scores, and Hooshmenzadayadakah had 60 and a TD. Two kick-ass performances and one above average performance. Rudi J's second touchdown late in the fourth put Slim within half a point. The Bengals had the game put away and I was praying that Coach Lewis would take the starters out. That's exactly what he did. J. Kitna took over passing duties, and J. Johnson handled the rushing. The game finished with no further damage. However, it was a photo finish, and stat corrections made the night after games can cause 2 or 3 point swings. I had to sleep on it.

I woke up on Monday and saw the final score of:

Me: 148.95
Slim: 148.40

He can just eat it.

Then I saw that Shaun Alexander was awarded 26.2 points. It was inexplicable. He had 172 yards for 17.2 points, and one touchdown for 6 points. That's 23.2 points.

"Oh, fuck. There's going to be a stat correction tonight and they are going to take away the 3 mystery bonus points," I thought. Oh well.

I woke up this morning fully expecting to see the three points taken away and Slim emerging victorious once again.

That was not the case. The schedule for the finals was posted and I was slated to go up against Tits McGee for the league championship. "Oh well, they'll just take it away later."

I even did Google searches for "Shaun Alexander wrong Yahoo stats" and "Yahoo Fantasy incorrect Shaun Alexander" to see if anyone had posted anything about it, but I couldn't find anything.

Then it hit me. Commissioner Scott implemented a bonus system. I knew that a QB passing for 400 yards was awarded 5 bonus points. Perhaps a similar bonus was in place for running backs? I checked our league settings and there it was:

150 yards: 3 points.

Three bonus points for 150 yards rushing. Thank you, Scott. Scott can now tell his brother that he lost because of this. That, and Scott's decision to include a defensive player as well as a team defense on the roster.

I was the commissioner of our league for the three seasons before this one, and I never had a bonus thing like this. Handing the reigns over to Scott prior to this year was the greatest thing I could have done. If I was the commissioner I would have lost by about 8 points (no bonus points, plus my defensive guy outscored Slim's defensive guy by about 6 this week. Thank you for those return yards, Pacman Jones).

Still, I will not assume I won until I am playing in the finals this Sunday against Tits McGee.



Bring it on, Tits.