Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Bats in the belfry.

The sunlight peered through the window and I was aroused from my slumber. I made my way down the corridor to the kitchen to prepare my morning meal of Cheerios and berries. I opened the refrigerator to retrieve the milk when out of the corner of my I saw a small, dark object; an object that did not belong...

I turned and stood face to face with the furry, winged, fanged, pointy-eared beast. My mouth opened and I spoke a series of words that I never imagined I would half to speak:

"Honey, there's a bat in the dining room."

My significant other screamed in terror and ran to the opposite end of the house:

"OMG! OMG!" (thump thump thump thump thump SLAM! click)

She had locked herself in the closet, leaving me to die. I was left alone to face the creature.
My mind raced: "How the fuck did a bat get in the house? I'm sure glad I saw the movie The Great Outdoors starring John Candy and Dan Akroyd back in the summer of '88 so I am properly trained to handle this situation. But seriously, how the fuck did a bat get in the house?"

I grabbed my trusty broomstick. The bat glared at me and hissed while it dangled from the trim at the top of the wall. It swooped down with its fangs bared, the blood of its previous kill still dripping from them.

"AAAA! It's a scary, scary bat! AAAA!" I screamed as I flailed the business end of my broom at it. The bat retreated. "This is going to be harder than I thought," thought the bat, "this guy's got a broom!"

The bat went back to its original position at the top of the wall.

Me: "Honey, get on the computer and tell me what to do!"
Her: "OMG! OMG! I better call my sister and yak with her about this!"

While Ms. Brick and her sister exchanged thoughts regarding their preferences in the field of tablecloth colors, I realized that I was, indeed, in this alone.

The bat swooped down again. It began circling the dining room, mocking me. I inched closer and observed its pattern. I would have to time my move just right. I held the broomstick above my head, and swung it downward, smashing the bat to the floor in the process. As the bat writhed in pain I hit it repeatedly with the broom:

Me: "AAAA!"
(whack, whack, whack)
Bat: "Squeak! Squeak, squeak, squeak!"
Me: "Take that, bitch!"
(whack, whack, whack)
Bat: "Squeak! Squeak, squeak, squeak!"

I placed a wooden box over the squirming bat before it could recover and take flight once again. Why was a wooden box readily available, you ask?

Well, fortunately for me, Ms. Brick had been working on a craft project involving several of these:

The project in question had been sitting untouched on the dining room table for several days.

The threat was now contained. I slid some paperboard beneath the box and released the creature several hundred feet from our residence.

It flew away like a little bitch.

The end.

Now please enjoy my illustrated version. The part of Brick will be played by Samuel L. Jackson. The part of the bat will be played by a bat. The part of the broom will be played by a lightsaber.

starring Samuel L. Jackson

"What a glorious day! I shall now have some Cheerios!"

"ARRR! I'm a scary bat!"

"AAAA! There's muthafuckin' BATS in the muthafuckin' HOUSE!"




"Eat this, bitch!"

"ARRR! Bring it!"

"Oh, it's already been brung!"


"That's right, bitch!"

"You got me. Arrr."



At 3:07 PM, Blogger Brick said...

Short version:

A bat got in our house somehow. Seriously.

Ms. Brick flipped out and ran to other side of the house and hid.

The bat hung around the dining room for a while.

I gave it a beat down with a broom and was able to trap it in a box.

I took it outside.

I now feel bad for beating down the bat because I might have really hurt it and it didn't mean any harm.

Bats are seriously freaky looking.

Most bats are not dangerous.

I have no clue how a bat got in and now I am afraid that our house contains a one way portal from batland.

At 12:02 PM, Blogger StB said...

Damn. Part of me wanted the bat to win.

At 6:18 AM, Blogger Scotty Win said...

You will be hearing from PETA very shortly...


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