Yellow and blue box.

On Friday night, Ms. Brick asked me if we could go to IKEA. It went kind of like this:

Her: "Can we go to IKEA tomorrow?"
Me: "How much complaining am I allowed to do while we are there?"
Her: "None."

I don't know if I have covered this yet in this here blog, but the reason I couldn't just say: "Just go by yourself," is because Ms. Brick lacks the skills and credentials to operate a motor car.

So the next day we made the trek out to the suburban wastelands to visit IKEA. It was a good idea because we really don't have enough crappy particle-board furniture.

Actually, I did need a new desk, and real desks are way too expensive. I got my current desk at Target as a temporary solution. That was four years ago.

We got there and wandered around for a bit. While she looked at candles, I went off to check out the desks. On my way to the desk section I stopped by the restaurant section to get my Diet Pepsi fix. I was hopeful that free refills would be provided. I was also hopeful that the free refills would be the self-serve kind and not the kind where you have to ask someone to refill your cup for you. I hate those kinds of refills because I am opposed to human interaction. Also, I planned on refilling the hell out of that thing, and when someone else is involved in the refilling process it starts get embarrassing at around the fifth refill.

I was not disappointed.

I went up to the counter...

Me: "Can I just get a large Diet Pepsi, please?"
Her: "We only have one size. Refills are free."

She proceeded to place an empty, 20 oz. cup in front of me. Oh happy day.

Her: "60 cents."
Me: "Excuse me?"
Her: "Your total is 60 cents."
Me: "You mean to tell me I can drink all the Diet Pepsi I want while I am in this store for a one-time fee of 60 cents?"
Her: "Yup."
Me: "What is this magical place?"

It was going to be a good day. I decided that the reverse-Disneyland effect was...in effect. You see, when you're at Disneyland, a 12 oz. Coke costs $4.95 and there are no free refills. They know you will pay $4.95 for the 12 oz. Coke because you paid $80 to get in and you're not going to leave to buy cheaper Coke and you are thirsty right now.

At IKEA, you don't have to pay admission, and if they tried to overcharge for food, you would just say: "Damn, this is too expensive, let's go somewhere else." And then you have left the store and probably aren't going back. However, they choose to set the food prices to 20 years ago (hot dogs were 50 cents for chrissakes) so you say: "Hey, let's get some hot dogs and then after we are finished eating the hot dogs we can shop for more crappy furniture. Whoa, only 50 cents? Damn, IKEA rules..." So the cheap food puts you in a good mood and makes you want to buy a shitty coffee table, while expensive food would just piss you off. At Disneyland they already have your money so they don't care if you are pissed off.

Being at IKEA all day sucks way less than being at Disneyland all day. It still sucks, though. Just less. The endless Diet Pepsi supply certainly helped.

I filled my cup with Diet Pepsi and went over to the desks. I took a good long look at the FLÖKTÖRP but I decided to go with the KLÄÄNKGÄÄRD. I'm just kidding. I didn't buy any desks. They didn't really have what I was looking for.

At about my third refill I went looking for Ms. Brick. She was by the pillows.

Her: "Which pillow cases do you like more?"
Me: "I could not possibly care less about either one of those pillow cases."

We ended up spending about three hours there. I have no clue how one can spend three hours at an IKEA, but Ms. Brick manages to do it every time. She would probably stay there longer if she was with her sister instead of me. They would be free to ponder the selection of napkin holders without me standing there bitching.

She spent $158 on flower pots and candles. I spent $3 on a set of steak knives.

I refilled my Diet Pepsi 13 times. One of those times I filled it with regular Pepsi. It was like heroin. I should know better than to be experimenting with regular soft drinks. That leads to harder stuff like Sobe and Redbull, and before you know it I'm injecting pure Coke-syrup into my arm.

I survived, though. I'll try to exercise better judgement in the future. Have a good day, please.