Party.

That's "party" as in "a gathering of individuals," not "party" as in "PartyPoker." The Bricks are having a party in the near future. In fact if you are reading this, you are probably invited. We were going to have a party after we moved into our new place 1.17 years ago. This is it. 1.1 years ago I went out with some people and got drunk and invited them to a party at our place. That party was supposed to be one year ago and never took place. Luckily no one showed up.

Anyway, let's look at a few responses to the initial e-mail invites I sent out. Names have been witheld to protect the innocent...

"Color me boozed!"

We all know who wrote that one.

Moving on...

"Available. I may choose to do absolutely nothing, you know, and you will know a taste of one's own medicine, t'would be."

Okay, this is unnecessary. Attendance is not mandatory. If you want to bypass free liquor and food, by all means, don't come. His response was in response to the fact that I have chosen to sit at home and watch TV rather than go to the last two poker games with him the last two Saturdays. I would have happily gone if no poker was involved. I have already covered that I don't enjoy home poker too much anymore. The stakes aren't high enough to be meaningful, the game moves too slow, and it always devolves into an all-in wild card crap shoot.

"Let's play Alabama Donkey Punch. That's 7 card-stud where tens and threes are wild, but if one the upcards is a black 7, then fours and jacks become wild, and the person with the black 7 gets to punch someone in the back of the head. Let's all put our money in and see who ends up with the best cards and who gets punched in the head."

It's not like this person was inviting me to parties the past two weekends. If he was I would have happily gone. Unless it was to a bar, because I have drinks at home. In fact, I have lots of drinks at home. Drinks that will be at the party. You want a Tuaca Sour? I can do that. Tuaca Sour...that sounds gross.

Number 3...

"Tell us, please, what will make this gathering different than other times we hang out? There will be girls there? There will be $40 appetizers? There will be a beer bong?

I'm going to be late - warning you right now."

Yes, there will be girls there. I also imagine there will be $40 appetizers. No beer bong. College is over. I am also glad you warned me that you are going to be late, as my ability to have a good time hinges on your arrival. Now I am adequately prepared. If you had not warned me, and 8pm on party day were to arrive and you weren't there, well, I don't even want to think about that.

Moving on...

"I will most certainly be there. Its gonna be some party with the anticipation that has been building for over a year!"

Wasn't that a nice response? This came from a person I invited to a non-existent party a year ago. This means I need to make the party especially enjoyable. That means lots of alcohol, tasty snacks, and hot Asian teens.

Those are the four people I have invited so far. I hope they are all still coming.

I also hope the Bricks don't get into too many fights over this. She says I need to replace the sink in the bathroom before the party. It had a crack when we bought the place. What the hell do I know about replacing sinks? I guess we will find out.

I also know we are going to fight over appetizers. I mean snacks. The word "appetizers" implies that a main course will follow. There will be no main course, only appetizers. I mean snacks.

If it was up to me, we would have pitas & hummus, sausage & cheese, and shrimps & that red shrimp dipping sauce. I just know that Ms. Brick is going to want to make some complicated thing that she has never made before. The preparation of this complicated thing will require me to drive to some specialty grocery store 20 miles away to buy some fancy ingredients that will end up costing $53.76.

It will also require three days of preparation, involving the dirtying of every pot, pan, spoon, Cuisinart, blender, mixer, spatula, knife, microwave and stove that we own. She will not make any kind of effort to clean up after herself as she prepares this complicated appetizer thing, because she will be placing the responsibility of cleaning on me and me alone.

Okay, I'm done.

The above post was meant for entertainment purposes only, and does not reflect my true beliefs in any way. I love cleaning up after you, honey, really, really I do. Especially on Sunday night after you made those green pepper turkey gizzard things, and the kitchen looked like a war zone. Yes, I know you have to clean my poop off the toilet. No, I don't know how it gets under the rim. We don't need to talk about this again. Also, for those of you who might be offended by my responses to your responses, a simple "Fuck you, dude" will suffice.