Friday, April 07, 2006


Our house was completely devoid of flavored diet carbonated beverages and my body was starting to go into withdrawals, so I strolled on down to the local Walgreen's to get my fix. When I arrived there I heard the most glorious news: Dr. Pepper products: three 12-packs for $3. Oh happy day. That's like 8 cents a can. It turns out it was 3 for $8 with a $5 mail-in rebate. A mail-in rebate on pop. Awesome. After taxes and postage this purchase will total about 10 cents a can. Sweet.

I'm sure glad I'm addicted to something that is easily attainable and available in countless flavors. If I was addicted to crack I wouldn't be able to just grab a crack-pack from a vending machine for 65 cents. Nope, I would have to know the right people and pay a super huge premium and probably have to toss a few salads along the way to satisfy my addiction. And even after all that I still would only be able to get plain old crack. No lemon-lime crack or caffiene-free crack or diet cherry vanilla crack. Just original classic edition.

So it's good to be addicted to diet soda. Sure, I'll be sorry when I'm 50 and I have a Diet Pepsi tumor the size of a soccer ball on my ass, but I'm not going to worry about that now. I just gotta live life for today, man.

You know what else is funny about soda? I won't buy it at the grocery store unless it is on sale. A 24-pack is typically 6.99, but I won't buy one unless it is on sale for 4.99 or less. However, I won't hesitate to drop 65 cents on single can from a machine. (24 * .65) = 15.60. I make no sense. I won't pay 6.99, but I'll happily pay twice that.

65 cents a can. Remember when every machine had it for 50 cents a can? If you saw a machine for less then 50 cents you thought: "Sweet! Less than 50 cents!" And if you saw if for more than .50, you thought: "Fuckin' ripoff." Those days of the 50 cent standard were interesting times, I must say. They seemed to last forever, too. It has only been in the past few years that the prices have increased. I remember thinking around the turn of the century: "Damn, pop has been 50 cents forever. I wonder what has caused the price to remain static in this market for so many years?" I never did figure that one out. Not that I put any effort towards trying to figure it out, I just found it odd.

Notice how I used the words "pop" and "soda" interchangeably? The stupidest argument in the history of the universe is the "pop vs. soda" argument:

Dumbass #1: "Durrr, it's called 'pop' you dumbass!"
Dumbass #2: "NO, you ASSHOLE! It's called 'SODA!' You SUCK!"

I don't understand why people are so passionate about what they call carbonated beverages. There are things called synonyms. I don't see people flipping out over whether to call it a "sofa" or a "couch."

I must admit, I used to be a staunch supporter of the word "pop." Then on the first night of college I saw two people having the "pop vs. soda" argument and I thought: "That is the most retarded, pointless, waste of energy I have ever seen. I shall now embrace both words equally."

I just looked up the "staunch" in the dictionary. I used it correctly.

I got one 12-pack of Diet 7-Up, one of Diet Dr. Pepper, and one of Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper.

The Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper says "Soda Fountain Classics" on it. Oh hell yeah. I remember when I was a little kid. On Sunday afternoons Dad would take us all to the soda fountain and order us up some Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Peppers. Those were good times.

By the way, what the hell is this?:

It must not be available in my market yet. The barrage of choices never ceases. About three years ago we went to Paris. That was the first time I was in Europe. There was only one choice. It was some crap called Coke Light and it cost about €4 per can. At that moment I learned to take nothing for granted.

Pop is good.


At 9:21 AM, Blogger Scotty Win said...

In Mrs. McGillicuddy's microeconomics class we talked about why pop has stayed 50 cents forever. I can't remember what the reason was though.


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