Benefit wankfest.

Our friend Otto is the director of something for some area chamber of commerce. Last night there was some benefit thing for area businesses to raise money for the chamber or something. There were tons of nice appetizers and drinks (upstairs) and a decent dinner (downstairs) after the appetizers. I think it cost about $80 a person, so the chamber charged $100 a ticket.

Otto said we could come for free if we volunteered. Our job was to tell people that "appetizers are upstairs," because upon entering it looked like you were supposed to go sit at your table to eat, rather than go upstairs and get appetizers. The chamber should invest in a sign that says "Appetizers are upstairs," because telling people that "appetizers are upstairs" is just not that fun of a thing to do. The other volunteer job was to sell raffle tickets for $5 (5 for $20!) for a 50-50 raffle, where the winner gets half the money collected. There were also some $50 gift certicates to various restaurants as prizes.

I did not do any raffle ticket selling or tell anyone that "appetizers are upstairs" because I hate talking to people. I just walked around. Matt did a good job of telling people that "appetizers are upstairs" and Ms. Brick and Ms. Otto did a good job of selling raffle tickets. Ms. Matt (they have broken up like six times but they never date anyone else and are always together, but are never straightforward about their "official" status, but for the sake of this blog, she will be known as Ms. Matt) also did a good job telling people to go upstairs.

Otto got mad at Ms. Brick because she went upstairs to get a drink. "You know, you're a volunteer, so you shouldn't be having as much fun as the people who paid the $100." Fuck you, Otto. Of course, he used his "sarcastic but I'm really serious" voice. That's what he always does when he is unjustifiably upset. He is unjustifiably upset a lot. First of all, Otto, I'm not having as much fun as the people who paid the $100, and second of all, I thought part of the deal was I got to take part in the food and drinks if I volunteered.

Later someone asked Matt to show them where their seat at dinner was, because telling someone what table number they are at, and then clearly labeling the tables with numbers isn't enough. Matt ended up getting caught in some volunteer nightmare where people were asking him for extra chairs and to take away salads. He didn't know where extra chairs were, and he wasn't a waiter, so he didn't know what the heck to do with the salads he was taking. He recounted for us his experience of people asking him to find extra chairs & take away salads, and did so in very humorous manner. Otto was there to hear the story, and dropped this gem: "Let's see, I paid $0 to get in here, yes I will do that." Of course, he used his "sarcastic but I'm really serious" voice. One of these days he is going to make one of his "sarcastic but I'm really serious" comments to the wrong person and take a shot to the face. Luckily for him, he lives in a society where physical beatings are considered unacceptable social behavior. Trust me, his little comments are a lot more offensive in real life than I can convey on this blog.

Matt and Ms. Matt left. We stayed for a while.

I would rather have not been there. I ate way too much bad food. I didn't win any raffle prizes. Ms. Brick had six drinks and got sort of drunk. There were these centerpieces with flowers and sticks and Ms. Brick wanted to take home some flowers and sticks. Other people were doing it and it wasn't being stopped or discouraged, so we rode home on public transportation holding flowers and sticks. She immediately incorporated the sticks into our home decor when we got home.

She then went to sleep in a half-awake, half-asleep dream state while trying to have a conversation with me. This is how the conversation went...

Her: "Would you masturbate in front of your friends if you got half the money and then we could have a big party?"
Me: "Good night, sweetie."
Her: "Are you offended that I didn't say 'Hi' to you personally?"
Me: "Good night, sweetie."

She does not recall any of this.

Now I don't know what combination of dreams and reality was running through her head to produce these questions, but as far as I am concerned masturbation, money, and parties are three things that have nothing to do with each other and do not belong in the same sentence. Well, money and parties are associated, I guess, because parties cost money, but throw masturbation in there and it becomes a problem. I know "half the money" was in reference to the 50-50 raffle, and the "have a big party" was in reference to the party we are having, but masturbation? Her comment caused images of me inviting all our friends over so they could pay to watch me spank it. I would then donate half the money to charity or something, like a benefit wankfest.

As far as being offended for not saying "hi" to me personally? No, honey, I'm not offended. Sleep tight, now.

I sure hope Otto never finds this blog. He doesn't take kindly to people pointing out his quirks.